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Monday, October 22, 2012

Marriage and Spirituality

Mawage!
(c) 20th Century Fox.
As a Humanist minister, I have had the honor of conducting the wedding services for many couples. As we work together on the wording of the service and their vows, it calls upon both the couple and myself to think about the meaning of marriage. In this article, I will share some thoughts on the potential benefits of marriage to one’s spiritual practice. First, it is important to talk about the commitment integral to marriage, because this plays a role in its effect on our spiritual progress.


Commitment

It comes as no surprise to my readers nor friends that I am socially liberal, and that extends to relationships. But unlike some social liberals, when it comes to marriage I believe in the importance of lifetime commitments. That isn’t to say that there can’t be justifiable reasons for divorce. But it does mean a rejection of approaches to marriage that, from the outset, are merely agreements to stick together only so long as “love endures” or, in less eloquent language, until you get sick and tired of one another, or simply feel like a change. There is nothing wrong with that, or any, arrangement between consenting adults so long as both understand one another. But this is called a boyfriend or girlfriend. In these cases, I suggest simply remaining as such.

While the moral obligation to be honest and supportive to a boyfriend or girlfriend is the same as any serious relationship, the distinguishing characteristic of marriage is the temporal element – that is, the sacred pledge to be there for one another into the future, in bad times and good. For those who have children, this kind of commitment is what is needed to have mothers, fathers, aunts, uncles, cousins, and all of the stability and support structure most healthy to a child’s upbringing. The structure of a family can vary – we aren’t stuck with a typical hetero-mono-nuclear model. But what’s important are those dutiful bonds of loving commitment. Even for those who choose not to have children, many feel it is still important to have someone in your life to depend upon, to share life’s experience with, and who you know will not abandon you when times are tough. The core of the concept is that when we leave our childhood home we leave a supportive family structure, and though we may remain close to that family always, marriage is how we form new families of equal bonds and support.

Of course, we are all free to live whatever kinds of lives we agree upon with others, but this is what I mean when I refer to marriage in this article. While any relationship offers opportunities to be more mindful, tolerant, communicative, and patient – it is long-term commitment that potentially has the following effects on a more specific spiritual practice.


A Window into True Love

(cc) Anthony Kelly, Flickr.com.
Most adults come to understand the difference between love and infatuation. What may be less obvious is that further stages of deeper love continue to reveal themselves when in a loving relationship with another after an extended time. We begin to learn the real differences between self-driven love and other-driven love. Given that tough times in relationships over time are inevitable, only a commitment to stay together through those times has the chance to continue for periods long enough for those deeper levels of love to manifest.

Since we are human, we may often mislead ourselves into thinking we can understand what it means to be human from the single example of our own experience. But in a long-term relationship that lasts years or decades, we continue to become more and more familiar with another human being. Even after 13 years, my wife and I continue to surprise one another and I’m told this happens well after 13 years. This makes sense since a person continues to evolve throughout life.

That growing familiarity over time results in an intimate knowledge of our partner ‘from the inside’. Just as the discovery of alien life on other worlds would undoubtedly illuminate new concepts in biology as a general field, the intimate knowledge of another person illuminates what it means to be human in general terms. This is a far more profound string of experiences than I can justify with words.

The following is not a continuous effect, but there have been moments in which I see my wife and feel almost as if my subjective view has transported inside her; as if our understanding and perspectives were so intimately tied that I saw the world through her eyes and identified herself with myself. One gets the deep sense of what justice, right, wrong, beauty, humor, and meaning are to another mind. I could never have imagined what this experience was like without being a part of someone else for an extended time. Further, many times it happens in a manner that gets my attention, it has been in more profound ways than before.

The ancient Greeks are often recognized for having had many different words for ‘love’ which adeptly distinguish between affection, passion, friendship, parental love, and so on. However, the truth we come to find by seeing through another person’s eyes is that love is even more varied and subtle than this. Over time, an intimate relationship can help us to learn about a seemingly infinitely various kinds and degrees of love. When it comes to spiritual practice, progress is simply not possible without understanding the nature of love more deeply.


Putting it to Practice

In terms of applied spiritual practice, one important project is that of escaping the ego. That is, seeing beyond our narrow singular point of view toward a broader view. Stoics propose expanding one’s sense of self outward to include others. This expandable re-definable vision of the ego is consistent with the Buddhist realization of the ‘self’ as an illusory construction. In seeing through another’s eyes, possible in a deep extended relationship, it is possible to get a first-hand experience of what it means to have one’s ego – one’s sense of first-person – displaced, expended, and jarred. This can be an important part of learning to expand it further to include all beings. I know the experience has aided in my own efforts along these lines.

Another effect of that kind of connection, is seeing the ‘child within’ in another person. We all have that innocence – that child we were – still within us. At times he or she comes out in the best sense. Glimpsing this provides a sense of intense affection. In this sense, we come to see the whole person, faults and all, from a sympathetic point of view. This is not too unlike how an ideal mother might see her own child; even the most flawed for which she will yet retain love.

This experience of intimate affection combined with ego-jarring perspectives form two important steps in achieving a more universal compassion for all beings. This is one way in which a long-term loving and committed relationship can be an invaluable aide in our practice and our spiritual journey of transformation.


Spirituality for the Full Life

Given the incredible experiences of marriage and the remarkable help it has been to my practice, it seems especially odd to me when I think about religious leaders, in the East and West, who take vows of chastity. Regarding those who do this successfully, no one can doubt their commitment and dedication. When it comes to Buddhists monks for example, the absence of family obligations undoubtedly frees such people to pursue wisdom and practices to greater levels than is possible for many of us. These two facts suggest that our respect and attention to their input is warranted.

In the Christian bible, Paul only reluctantly accepts marriage merely as an alternative for those who aren’t disciplined enough to be chaste. Even Socrates only jokingly advocates marriage, saying, “By all means marry. If you have a good wife you will be happy and if you have a bad one you will become a philosopher!”  But how many important aspects of life are celibate spiritual leaders missing out on? Given that spirituality should be practical and useful for real people living their lives out in the world, can they really be authoritative on these matters? More importantly, could the lack of deep long-term romantic relationships actually hinder deeper understanding of other spiritual concepts which, on the surface, may seem unrelated? These are important questions, and why I think the active participation of lay persons in guiding, educational, and organizational roles are crucial to a spiritual community.
In any event, if readers take anything from this, I hope it is to consider how their own relationships, rather than distractions or worse, can be opportunities for spiritual growth and development in even more profound ways than perhaps considered previously.


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Monday, October 15, 2012

Distractions to Spiritual Practice, Pt 2

This is the second in a 4-part series which explains, in each part, one of four deceptive distractions to a core purpose of spiritual practice: cultivating, with applied practices, wisdom and a character that is more capable of flourishing. That is, addressing fear, anger, and greed; compassion for all beings and an inner happiness not dependent on external circumstance. Last time we covered the distraction of metaphysical cosmology (link to part 1 here). This time we cover the Ego.

The Ego

(c) Metro-Goldwyn-Mayer.
Many of us have encountered egotistical people, but we should not take their example as an opportunity to gloat over how much better we are than to be so egotistical, lest we make the same error. Rather, we should take it as a cautionary example and realize that – just as they are unaware of their own ego – we too are unaware or unmindful of the many shortcomings we most certainly have.

For example, while I write this article with sincere intentions that it be helpful, and that I might learn from reading your reactions to it, can I deny that my human nature underlies this motivation and some subtle backdrop of egotism exists whereby I think my words superior or worthy to be read by others? Perhaps some part of me seeks the praise of others for having written this, despite my conscious intention to discard concern for the praise or blame of others as per Stoic teaching? To my shame, some residual of this egotism almost certainly exists despite my best efforts to be humble.

There are at least a few ways that the ego can be a distraction to spiritual progress. An egotistical teacher or professor of spiritual wisdom can distract others from the path by allowing their personality to become an object of attention rather than the teachings and practices. But our own ego can also be a distraction to our progress. The strong desire for answers to certain questions can lead us to anchor ourselves on particular ideas, becoming attached to them. This can blind us, close us off to further possibilities, and limit our progress.

You can subscribe to get notice future articles in this series, where we will cover further examples of distractions to spiritual practice.

(Those who choose to become members of the Society have access to our member archives, which includes a more in-depth version of this complete series.)


Subscribe to The Spiritual Naturalist Society
Learn about Membership in the Spiritual Naturalist Society

__________
The Spiritual Naturalist Society works to spread awareness of spiritual naturalism as a way of life, develop its thought and practice, and help bring together like-minded practitioners in fellowship.


__________
Thanks to B.T. Newberg and Rick Heller for their thoughts and input on both this article and the more in-depth piece in our member archives.

Monday, October 1, 2012

Distractions to Spiritual Practice, Pt 1

Recently I have noticed some recurring concepts in many of the discourses I’ve been attending in our local Spiritual Naturalist chapter and various other discussions. These have to do, not with obvious distractions, but with things that often draw our attention and may be worthy endeavors, but may seem like they are central to spirituality when, in fact, they can be distractions to a core purpose of spiritual practice: cultivating, with applied practices, wisdom and a character that is more capable of flourishing. That is, addressing fear, anger, and greed; compassion for all beings and an inner happiness not dependent on the whims of external circumstance. This is the first in a 4-part series which will look at some of those distractions in each part.


Metaphysical Cosmology

Everyone has an opinion, but
how does this help me to
love my neighbor or address
my suffering?
In this first form of distraction, I use the word “cosmology” in the older, broader metaphysical sense – not in the strict term for that branch of science. Cosmology, in general, is an overarching view of “how the world works” – the ultimate secrets of existence, one might say.

It can be good fun to discuss the fascinating possibilities and compare our cosmologies, and there is nothing inherently wrong or bad with this subject. As Society contributor B.T. Newberg has pointed out in his excellent articles (including the next in his series coming soon to our site), our understanding of the world and our place in it not only inspire, but provide important insight to how we might best live. But the really insidious thing about cosmology is that it feels like we are doing spirituality when we engage in such thoughts and discourse. In fact, cosmology has very little to do with spirituality as a practice.

In the Parable of the Poison Arrow, one of the Buddha’s students became upset with him because he was silent on a number of questions such as nature of the cosmos and life after death. The Buddha discouraged wasting time on metaphysical speculation. He specifically said that these questions were irrelevant to his teachings and to true religion.

Early Western parallels such as Pyrrhonism prescribes withholding assent to non-evident propositions, always remaining in a state of inquiry. It was Socrates who fulfilled the Oracle’s claim that he was the wisest of men because, unlike so many others, he knew that he was unwise.

And that is the real trap of being distracted by cosmology: it is egotism. In truth, none of us has perfect access to the ultimate truths of existence. When we become engrossed in mental gymnastics and claim-making about these issues, we fool ourselves into thinking we are making spiritual progress when, in fact, we are not even engaged in the endeavor at all. This is why a Spiritual Naturalist can consider withholding assent to claims without evidence (a practice called Epoché) to be an important spiritual discipline.

One of the significant and profound ‘advancements’ (or re-discoveries, rather) made by Spiritual Naturalism today is the divorcing, or disentanglement, of spirituality from cosmological claims. If we are to reunite the sacred with the natural, then one of the requirements in this effort is to let go of the need to have our spirituality make claims about ultimate reality. To really incorporate modern naturalism, we must respect its space and role in our spirituality. That means leaving claims about the nature of reality up to those who do the hard work of carefully observing and measuring it, and being humble in not trying to fill in the wide gaps in that information with our own speculations. The religious and the non-religious are equally susceptible to this.

You can subscribe to get notice future articles in this series, where we will cover further examples of distractions to spiritual practice.

(Those who choose to become members of the Society have access to our member archives, which includes a more in-depth version of this complete series which, in this part, discusses how Stoic concepts fit the above, and gives more detail on the Parable of the Poison Arrow. Another part of the member archives describes the practice of Epoché in more detail.)

Continue to Part 2

Subscribe to The Spiritual Naturalist Society
Learn about Membership in the Spiritual Naturalist Society

__________
The Spiritual Naturalist Society works to spread awareness of spiritual naturalism as a way of life, develop its thought and practice, and help bring together like-minded practitioners in fellowship.


__________
Thanks to B.T. Newberg and Rick Heller for their thoughts and input on both this article and the more in-depth piece in our member archives.